adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
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Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
This could be us… but you playing
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying