A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
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Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
God has abandoned us.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.