[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one