Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
my dad has had enough
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me in tagged photos
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.