Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad