me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*