me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.