Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
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tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE