Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”