“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
lmfao come on
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”