God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Merica.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?