Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
There are usually two types of merchants.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
me when the borders lift
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours