Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.