I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
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juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.