[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.