For the ones in the back.
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
#SCOTUS one-star review
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.