My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
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A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along