when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
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it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.