Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“What?”
– Jude
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential