we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
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Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.