I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Just why bro?!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
If only
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.