If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
You Might Also Like
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
No one :
Me when I swimming :
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.