A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Put the is in disheveled
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?