*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
#Caturday
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]