Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light