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nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.