The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend