Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You Might Also Like
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
i was baptized in a car wash
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way