How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*