Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
u guys got any snacks onboard here
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say