The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*