Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Maths meets science
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Sign at work today