One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
You Might Also Like
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.