Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.