My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.