My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
live long and prosper!
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.