I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Don’t forget to tip your server
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.