My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation