[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Bootstraps
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.