Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
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Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Jupiter
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
m’lady
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
oh my gosh!!
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.