I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?