The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
The USS B port
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.