She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store