My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”