date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
You Might Also Like
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Why is this me 😫
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Yup.