Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I have a black belt in leather
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”