Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on