Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Carpe DM
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry