Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
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It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
groan^2
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Put the is in disheveled
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
For when Tinder doesn’t work