my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?